| yes. Havent updated in a while. The last time I tried my computer died. My computer sucks ass right now. Oh well, Tom from fedex is going to fix it on wednesday so its "all good". So you may be asking, "tom, hows life?" So I shall respond with...
It hasnt been too bad, but not the best either. School is kicking my ass right now. I got a saturday of which I cannot attend because Im working and I need money as usual. I cant skip anymore. I have like 7 or 8 absensces in all my classes. Sheit. G hates me too. Sunday when we were working he almost killed me for calling my "mom"...shhh, i called cortney. And then today I forgot to wear glasses when I was cutting shit and he wanted to kill me more. Fuck dude, my employer cant stand me.
My weekend wasnt too bad. On friday cortney was grounded for some reason or something so I stopped by and brought her a happy meal with a hello kitty toy. yeah, then me and anthony went over to duncan donuts/baskin robbins on dix and i got a cup of coffee. Its funny how much shit somebody says about you, especially physical appearance, but when I walk in the store where their working and am right next to them several times. Yeah, im so fat and disgusting and you DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS! Your so cool. You can go ahead and talk more shit about me that you dont even know. God, your so cool. I heart college kids. (fuckers)
Saturday I worked until like 6 or so then i went over to cortneys and gazed upon the stars again. I dont htink that will ever get old. Then on sunday I worked all day and finished my paper for college writing.
By the way, Im getting at 24.45% in pre calc. Go me. But im starting to do that thing called paying attention so im understanding it more.
I forgot if I said anything about but my brother moved out friday. I get to go crash with him pretty soon. yay.
um, im really tired and cant think of anything else to write, so Ill update later in a few weeks ort somehting.
_blah this. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | I think im being indirectly made fun of. I think its funny when people talk shit publicly, but not right to the persons face. I also think its funny when people still call me fat. I lost 70 fucking pounds, Im not really fat anymore. Maybe 2 years ago, but those days are pretty much gone. Im really tired of having to be an "adult" about everything, when all I really want to do is kick someones fucking ass. and believe me, there would be no problem in arranging that either. Pretty much all of Cabrinis senior class hates you and not to mention other close friends and my own fucking brother. I guess you can just keep on talking shit, because I think you know if you ever really try starting anything past your fucking life passion (the computer) you'll end up regreting it. talk more shit, come on...its sweet, all the college kids are doing it. And I think everybody knows if college kids are doing it, then it must be cool. Im expecting everyone to make fun of me right now (only on the computer of course) because its so cool, and not to mention, you dont start any real problems because your hiding behind the fucking monitor. Way to be a real man fuck ass. I hope you have fucking high cholesteral when you grow up. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| So yeah. I donno. I have come to discover I have a problem. I dont know what it is, but there is definitly one there. I absolutley can not be a kid anymore and I absolutley can not obey rules in which I dont understand and I hate everything. I hate school, like everyone, however, I dont just bitch about it, I dont go. This is the third week of school I think and my absences are all like 5 and 6 now. I havent attended a full day of school this week yet. Monday I had that court date so it was excused and I ended up not going at all. Tuesday, We had a sub in g's class so I left after 4th hour. Today, I didnt go to first hour. I guess my first hour teacher said somehting about me having a problem showing up to school. I think I do. I guess I just dont understand school and all its rules and all the classes we are required to take. I dont know why I object to it so strongly, but I almost cant help it. I dont know where Im going to use theorms to find out a certain point on a parabola in my life. Heres a clue...Im not going to use parabolas in my future. I am either doing something with music or making shit out of wood or metal. So parabolas can eat my ass for all I care. Same thing for fucking government. I have no interest in pursuiting any kind of career in the legal system. Therefore, why the hell am I forced to take this class?
I dont know, I think I have learning issues.
ahhhh. I hope I dont fail this year. That would suck balls.
That and the constant fights with my parents are really going old on me. I am pretty much ready to move out. I asked my brother about moving in with him even though hes an asshole. he said to wait until i graduate then move out with maybe a few other people. That would be cool I guess. I cant really wait though. Thats like 7-8 months away. 7-8 more months of everyday fighting with my parents....hmm. It will end soon I guess.
Isnt it great when your treated like your fucking 7 years old all over again?
oh yeah, i changed my lj name to h8__is__gr8
decided to bring it back. comment on it and i will add you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | seek and destroy - metallica | | Time: | 09:10 pm | | Current Mood: | crazily tired |
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| Im in a pretty decent mood today. Despite me being deathly sick of a deadly sore throat. Yeah. Im a puss when it comes to being sick. At least im not sick all the time like i was up until about 2 years ago. Uh, I hate being sick though.
So, I got to go and fight my ticket today instead of going to school. I got it down to impeaeding traffic and 100 dollar fine. I told them I didnt have it though because I was tired and wasnt thinking straight, nor have been all day. For instance, I guess the cop told me to go in the court room even though he said the lobby. he came out like a half hour later yelling at me because they were aout to issue a warrant for my arrest because they thought I left. Silly fudgepackers.
After that, I probably could have made it to 4,5,6 hour...but I went and got tacos and took naps with cortney. She also, might I add, kicked my ass today. So if I have a black-eye tomaorw, thats why. Um, after that, I went home and washed the tempo. Its sparkling clean. Yeah, clean inside too. Fantastic. Oh yeah, I did laundry today. I have clean clothes now too. Productive day.
I took nyquil like an hour ago and im starting to feel it now though. So bye. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | no tunes, just my belly grumbling | | Time: | 01:26 pm | | Current Mood: | A Bad Mood silly. |
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| im tired and 1/2....
school=gay and no sleep. And now im working with g again, i get no sleep on the weekends either. Less than 6 hours of sleep every night and its going on the third week of it. Yay.
I got my court date tomaorw. Which means I can go home after that and sleep.
Im in what you would call a "pretty bad mood" right now. So therefore, im not going to say whats really on my mind...
happy
joy
good
happy
happy.
yeah, that was so sincere.
I dont like being at my house. Everytime I come home, my mother yells at me for something for hours straight. It is usually about the same thing everytime but she still finds the need to do it. Say for instance yesterday. I worked 10 hours and right when I step inside she starts bitching at me for everything. Then today, a shorter day, only like 5 hours, but im still really tired and somewhat exhausted of all strength, I come in to hearing her bitch out jeff on the phone. I like jeff. Hes my half brother and hes cool and has big arms. And my mother is really taking out everything on everyone. Its become hellish to live here.
ahh, bad mood.
I have to go to a lunch for my aunts birthday right now and im really hungry so ima eat this time. yeah.
bad mood.
bad bad mood. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | mcr | | Time: | 02:45 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) melancholy |
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| hmm. quitting smoking sucks ass.
last night i got pulled over on eurkea and fort street. i must say i was pretty upset about it, but the guy let me off with a "warning". that was cool. yesterday besides being pulled over was a fun day. I took a personal half day and went to cortneys and napped until about 3, then i walked about half way home and then mills came and got me. When i got home, i discovered my car was ready. so yay, the tempo kicks ass to the max with the new trans. So then i took cortney out to eat at rams horn and we drove around and went to d-town wyandote. Fun stuff, I bought her a zen garden at the dollar store. yay
i guess im working this weekend again with g. Hes giving me a loan on sunday so i can pay my ticket and then when the school pays me, i gotta pay him back. thats cool i guess. I get to not attend school on monday. go court dates.
i got a really bad headache right now and i have to poop. im kinda hungry too. oh geeze. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| i love my parents.
yeah.. they supposedly want to "help" me stop smoking so bad, but they dont let me do shit and yell at me for stupid things. oh yeah, that really doesnt make me want to go outside and have one or anything. My mom is retarded. She doesnt understand how bad you want one after she gets all pissed at you and lectures you for an hour. Then my Dad is just a dick lately. I didnt see cortney for about 3 or 4 days. the one day where it would have been perfect to hang out with her, my dad tells me to take her back home so they can yell at me without anybody witnessing they suck at life. So yeah, dad and mom are dicks.
This gum shit doesnt help too much with the whole "craving" thing i might add. I want nothing more than to go in my car in which has not been fixed yet and justr drive around for hours with a pack or 2 of milds or somehting. Fucking christ...I cant wait to get out of here. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I planned on never updating again. But im a liar. hah.
I just gotta say one thing....
Whose the fuckin king?....
Mike motha fuckin scorzelli.
yeah, i was happy to find out that mike is the king of his homecoming or whatever. His dad even made it out tonight which was real cool. I guess im going to like a bunch of dances this year. strange for me i know, but i guess its cool. I got cabrinis homecoming tomaorw, then the awesome aphs homecoming a few weeks, and then im going to mount carmels homecoming as well. quite a few. more than iv been to my whole "high school career".
Speaking of high school... I really hate it. Too many people, too many loud people, too many hard classes, and too much humidity. Eh, i hate high school. I cant wait to move on to college.
In sad news...my nipple peircing has decided to be gay when i tried putting a hoop in. the fucker closed in like 2 minutes and I couldnt find the hole and ahhhh. Im pissed. that thing was awesome and it tickled like hell. Im going to get it re-done in a few days. Probably my other one too.
Tomaorw morning i get to wake up at 7 and work in gross ile until 3ish then go right from there to the dance. Im exhausted as is and im going to be even more tired tomaorw. Ehh, i hate long days. G really needs to get me my money. Being broke and in debt and unable to get a job really fucking blows. I hate not having money.
The tempo is getting fixed. Im getting a new trans put in as we speak. I cant wait to drive the green beast once again. Iv been carless for about 2 days now and it sucks ass.
Cortney and I are back together once again. I am happy about it and I hope this time it will be better than times before. I really love her and I hope she realizes that.
Im really tired as of now and i have to get up in a few hours and work. eww. good night | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | nothing | | Time: | 03:26 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) calm |
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| The past few days have been real fucked up for me. Cortney has been mentally molesting my mind once again. Cody has been threatening me, which was almost humorous. Remember Cody, I fucking dare you to touch me. My parents caught me smoking and they know that iv been smoking for almost a year now. School started and all my old insecurities have come back for another round. Everyhting is just really fucking super in my life right now. So this is where I say "fuck it."...
I am pretty much done with the computer.
heres the deal...
if you have something to say to me..
call me.
my number is 3139993063.
you know what...my phone is going away soon too, so heres my house number 3133817294.
im tired of people bitching at me online because its only making me depressed. This fucking computer bullshit is gay and im done with it. Honestly, if you have a problem with me, call me. Fucking instant messanger has brought me nothing but grief and im tired of it. Fuck it, call me, if you want ill give you my address or we can meet somewhere and talk about it. But Im done. This is bullshit.
Im tired of everyone thinking im the bad guy. Im tired of everyone claiming that I am a terrible person, and their just trying to "help a friend out of a shitty relationship." Guess what...That fucking hurt me last night...Im done now. Im tired of being treated like shit and being told nothing. How am I supposed to improve myself when no one tells me what im doing wrong until its too late and i hear about it from 5 different people? I hope your happy now, because you pushed me away to the point of no return. I am reffered to as "company". wtf is that. I am only company now? I have no significance in your life? You hid everything from me and you hid me from everyone the last time. I know exactly where I stand and you lied about it the whole time. So fuck it, im tired of it.
I have more important shit to worry about then you and your bullshit..call me when your mature and truely realized how much you fucked me over.
what the fuck has love come to?
haha oh yeah...I almost forgot.
"looks like fatty bitch boy is going to die soon."
that was real cute cody.
Too bad I was really the fatty a few years ago. I guess your informants only knew me as an 8th grader...maybe last weeks girlfriend??
Nice on the name calling. Thats always real sweet especially when your 19. I dont know about you, but I hope I have better things to worry about when im 19 then what kids up to 4 years younger than me think about me. I certainly hope I wont be a sweet computer guy who sits and ims people all day too. I hope Ill be making somehting of myself and meet someone really great that isnt 4 years younger than me. Your lame cody. Your really lame. And sticking your face in my business isnt cool at all and I hope youll realize what a fuck up you are trying to be such a good "friend" with someone so young and talking so much shit with me. You really fucked up messing with me man. And if you take it any further...say...doing what you said you were going to do, then youd be a real idiot. But I guess I almost hope you do, because im sure my brother wouldnt mind kicking your ass when its on the ground after im done with you. Fuck being passive anymore. And fuck you. You know my number, lets see how stupid you are.
The day I die from you is the day Ill cut my own throat. You have friends, I have friends. I also have a 23 year old brother who really would like to kick some punk 19 year olds ass for talking shit to his little brother. I didnt ask for him to help if you fucked up and did anything....he volunteered. He wants you to fuck up. I almost want you to fuck up. Come on cody, how dumb are you?
To all my friends who I mainly talk to on this, You now have my number so if you want to hang out or talk or anything, give me a call.
Later. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Iv been listening to Dakota alot lately. iv always asked him for advice before, but now its actually processing. I understand the advice he gives me and it makes me feel really good to know that there are people like him who actually care about me and dont want to see me all mentally fucked up. Thank you Dakota, you are a great friend to have, brohan.
Iv also been talking to my family alot lately. Its weird, im actually letting them in my thoughts now. My mom caught me smoking last night in my room and I explained to her why I was. She understands...kinda. She said shes going to help me quit because she doesnt want me to go through the same thing my dad did. I talked with my brother this morning too. He said if any 19 year old touches me, then hes going to touch him back. Just a friendly little reminder to all queer 19 year olds out there...my brother is 6'6'' 250 lbs. If he touches you, your going to fall down and be hurt. I fought him a few times...I didnt think he would be that tough....but I was wrong. I dont want him to help me with any of my conflicts, but he insisted. Its nice having someone on your side who could kick your ass, and all your fag friends asses too. keep that in mind big guy..
Yeah. Im having an excellent couple days. Its nice when people who have no right to be in your business and stick their nose all up in it. I love everything right now. Iv been lied to I guess for the past few months. It feels really good.
A sarcastic list of love...
being led on
having fagets try to give me advice
lose my girlfriend and she wont tell me why
being lied to about everything
feeling like shit
giving you guilt trips because you deserve them
19 year olds
college kids
being threatened through someone else
girls
people
school | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | ask me 4 questions. any four, no matter how personal, private or random, i have to answer them honestly. in turn, you have to post this message in your own journal." | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | nothing | | Time: | 11:13 am | | Current Mood: | fucking pissed off. |
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| yeah, so my parents have decided their taking away the internet in a month. Its probably for the best because this fucking thing has brought me nothing but grief. I fucking hate aim and i hate live journal.. Its all bullshit.
Yeah so yesterday was fucking splendid.(im in a bad mood, deal with me.)
Woke up and had to paint the garage. Im not done with it so i gotta go out there in a few to finsih it. Then after that I was avoided. Its great when you try to still be friends, but theres always those people who call themselves 'friends' who tell them to have nothing to do with me. Yeah, at least his motives are sincere. Alright, this is what has been rolling aorund in my head...hes a tool, I have realized that. If he even thinks he call himslef a 'friend' and tell her what to do and who to see, than, i donno, i just hope she realizes what a fucking dick this guy is. He even tried telling me what to do. But im not his fucking bitch to take orders just because hes 2 years older than me, has a cool car, has sweet immature blue hair and is in college. FUCK THAT. I would rather take a bath in broken glass than to follow some orders some fucking womanizer tells me to do. I understand what this kid wants, why doesnt she?
Fuck it.
After that lovely event, I went and got fitted for my tux. its gonna be 90 dollars but whatever. Then mike made me some dinner, that lovely FRIEND.
I think im the only person nowadays who realizes who their true friends are and those friends give me advice that is helpful and fucking true. How the hell can you tell someone what to do? Its funny, because when I ask john and mike what to do when it comes to relationships, they tell me i should do what feels right. I dont think thats bad advice. If they told me to never ever talk to her again, dont answer her phone calls, dont even think about her, just think about me myself and i and it doesnt matter if you still love her because im right and im older and im wiser......they wouldnt be my friends.
Needless to say, I was avoided again after that.
We went to enraged to record again after that. I did shitty as usual, I forgot all the songs. I think im done with music, I fucking hate it. I just like playing guitar in my room. I hate too many things right now to have any passion for it anymore.
After that, I was avoided again.
Then I went to beth boomers house to meet up with john and there was a bunchof friends from my school there. It was neat. Fun times. But I got home at 145 so my parents grounded me again. yay. Fucking 3 or 4 days left of summer and im grounded again. Fuck yes. MY LIFE IS THE FUCKING SHIT RIGHT NOW.
fuck it.
this will probably be one of the last entries I put in. Enjoy fuckers. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | the other day someone i.m.ed me and said things to me. At first, I was pissed that he even was talking to me, then I thought maybe hes right. But after thinking about it for a while, I think he had no business telling me what to do. I mean, who the hell does he think he is...telling me not to call, not to visit, not to talk. Sometimes i wish some people would just mind their own business and go fuck themselves or somehting. He was out of line, and Im really upset he tried making me feel like Im a bad person. No one really knows the truth about anything. I dont even know if I do anymore...I thought I did. I hate when people react on someone elses conflicts when they only know of half the conflict. When this happens, you should really just not say anything at all and maybe mind their own business. People fucking blow my mind sometimes. Wow. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | iv gotten no sleep in like 4 days. Im exhausted. time for some sleep. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | nothing | | Time: | 12:49 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/tired.gif) tired |
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| yeah, today was probably the meanest iv ever been to anyone today. I feel bad, but I dont, but I do, ya know? I think I went overboard on the mean-ness. But I think it was because Iv been holding it in for so long, that it just came spilling out at once. I wasnt me today, or the last few days in fact. Iv been losing so much sleep over everything that I think I really had no control over it and if I didnt say somehting I would end up crazy.
...I need to see my therapist....
...I need sleep....
...I need to start that thing again, whats it called? oh yeah, eating....
Yeah, today i found out that im pretty much fucking up my dads life. Hes defending me in the "give tom some fucking freedom" thing against my mom. But i keep on fucking up so mom gives him shit and they always argue because of me and now my dad is losing sleep too and he cant function right either. These weeks havent been my weeks to say the least. And I found out today from someone that the real reason cortney left me was because being with me made her terribly unhappy. That was kind of a shock to me because I didnt think I was all that bad a guy, but what do I know...Im me. My thoughts are kicking my ass right now.
I need to talk to my therapist.
Today was pretty fun. I went to steak and shake with jessica. Then we went to some pool hall on dix to meet up with a bunch of kids from school. Then we watched viva la bam at brandons house for a bit. Before that, I went to my first float meeting...Cabrinis float thing of course. I pretty much am a cabrini kid. I got more friends there than at my own school, i go to more things there...consider me a cabrini kid. I dont care. their nice people and theyr cool and john/mike scorzelli go there, so you know it must be cool. I chilled with mike today for a little while.. finally got time to spill my heart out to him. Iv been waiting for one of our talks for a while now, but it was worth the wait because he knows whats going on better than i do.
I really do think im going to sleep for along time tonight. i hope I do, I need to catch up on my sleep. Fucking 7 hours in the past 3 days isnt good.
oh yeah, in the unlikely event that anyone cares, tom is back to normal health-wise. All my numbers are back to normal so im good to go. yeah. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Time to move on. She fucked me over enough, and now Im realizing everything. She wouldnt even consider making any kind of sacrific for me. Even not seeing the tool. I hope they both die.
Fucking doctors appointment in the morning. My platelets will be low again because all i had to eat today was a poptart. and iv gotten no sleep because my thoughts are fucking me up right now.
Im going tomaorw to get all my shit back from cortney. She wont miss them, tool box will just buy her new things that I want back. So its not a real loss. Im pretty glad everything is officially over, and I know for sure it is now because I wont take her back even if she wanted me to. Personally, I think I deserve just a little bit better in the whole area of not being fucked over so much.
"I hope he treats you half as bad as you treated me, so youlll finally realize what hell you put me through."
Im going to the Cabrini homecoming with angie scorzelli on the 11th. That should be pretty cool. Angie is nice, and I know she would treat me better too. i dont think anybody would ever treat me that bad ever again. At least I hope not.
I hung out with Jessica the other night. We went to bishop park and played on playground equipment until these stupid fuckers ruined it and started being loud and gay. anyways, she's f-in cool. Were gonna go see dodgeball soon at the dollar show, who wants to join?
Yeah, im in a 'pissed off, but feeling good' kind of mood. Its weird.
I fucking hate you.
i want to say thank you to dakota, john, mike, jake, and anybody else who ever helped me out by listening to me the past few weeks. You guys helped out alot and are tops with me. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| i really dont know what to say. No one understands me and I dont understand anything. I feel like absolute shit and Im starting to get depressed again. I dont know who my true friends are. I only know for sure that john and mike understand me. I think Dakota may understand me as well, but that is it.
Here it is...everything about me and my thoughts...if I offend anyone, forgive me, I cant help it at this point.
About 4 years ago, I started getting depressed. Before that, I was always a happy kid who just wanted to make friends and hang out. But then I think my brothers success in high school got the better of me. he was always an oustanding athlete and got rewarded from it frequently. He set such a high bar for me to leap over, i found unbearable and I broke down. He was an all state basketball player who broke every record at the school. I was just a fat peice of shit with no friends. And I realized that i could never bring the amount of success in that he did. Then i started feeling "sad" and started wondering why to everything. I wondered why I could never have a girlfriend, why people always hate me, why am I such an ugly person, why I was such a failure in my family, why to everything. After spending a year thinking about that, I met someone who didnt really help anything. Kevin and I were good friends for about a year or so. However, his constant pessimistic ways got to me and I too became like that. I was a constant pessimistic person with strange views and couldnt fit in anywhere. My parents finally noticed that i was depressed and made me visit a therapist. I have been talking with him for over a year now. In a way, talking with him and getting a job and a car really helped me get over those feelings of sadness, depression, failure, and uselessness. Seeing how bad I was, and seeing how much my parents just wanted to help made me hide all these feelings on the outside. When really, these things never went away. They were just masked by everything I did. I never really found happiness until I met kathleen. Although it was very short, I did feel very happy for once. She was my first girlfriend and it was a big step for me to become something I didnt want anymore. But when that ended, I became sad again, felt useless, and thought negatively about everything once again. Later on I found out that she left me because of pressure from other people declaring she could do better than me or something. Finding this out made me wonder alot of things. Such as, am I the kind of person to be pushed over, and made me hate peoples friends more and more. I moved on and really discovered how good of a friendship I had with john and Mike, for they were there for me whenever I wanted to talk. Months later, Kathleen and I started becoming close again. This is the time when I found out about her friends and the pressureing thing. I was interested in a girl from work, so even though We were growing close, I asked out the girl from work. I told her this and she was mad at me, for good reason, but I didnt think something like friends should be between things such as relationships. Pretty much right after that ended, I met Cortney. I knew her for a little while before, only because I made fun of the band she was managing or something. I felt more confident around her and I immediattly wanted to pursuit a relationship with her. After she broke up with that one kid, we started going out. Things went really well for the first month and a half or so, but then there was something apparent that always made her want to break up with me. I still havent figured it out. I guess she really wanted out because of this thing with this kid cody. I wont explain this part. At this point, I started feeling depressed again. I could feel it coming back. Why would this happen if she really loved me? Why does this have to happen? After making up and breaking up many times, I started really getting the feeling that Im falling into a black hole. I think the thing that made me mad the most, was that she still continued to talk to the kid after we made up. There is a line. When that happened, the line was crossed with him. you cant be friends with someone like that after something like that happened. I dont think it was that terribly unreasonable, but I guess im just too nice a fucking person to understand shit like that. I have never even thought about somehting like that, so I wouldnt know what to do if I did something like that. I dont really know what Im trying to say anymore. All I know is that I cant trust anyone right now. I cant trust my feelings, or anybody elses for that matter. I cant just get over someone who i really loved and cared for this easily. I want her back more than anything sometimes. But sometimes, I wonder if all those promises we made each other were just substantial to me. I wonder if she doesnt need someone who truely loves her, maybe just some other guy with no standards who will only cheat on her and be an ass, so that way she'll at least have a reason for leaving him then. I dont know, i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real. I think I have been too sheltered and was brought up better than anybody else nowadays. And this whole getting back together and breaking up the next has really gotten to me. I feel like absolute shit and that im the bad guy here. Her mom called me today to let me know that shes grounded and that she needs to realize that messing with peoples feelings like this isnt right. In a way I agree, it isnt right. but I wish her mom would just let this go. Cortney is a big girl and she can make decisions on her own. If she wants to break up with me for no reason, then she should be able to without her mom butting in. I dont know what love is anymore, and I dont want anything to do with it. It will only end in heart ache and bull shit. I feel like im trying to be made feel jealous. if that makes any sense. But it wont, because I dont want to get into it. And now im still up and its almost 4 oclock in the morning. I dont think IM going to go to bed tonight. i dont feel like sleeping. I really just feel like typing here because there is noone that can understand me and rely good advice to me. I talked with this kid josh for a long ime tonight. Hes a smart guy. very intelligent. He knows what hes talking about and he makes you realize things you just overlook sometimes. Talking to him really helps sometimes because he'll give you the sense you need to deal with things.
Im done for now, Im going to lsiten to the radio and try to clear my mind of this shit-cake of a day.
I would greatly appreciatte it if no one comments here except for dakota. he is my only true friend on the lj and I think if he reads this, he may be able to help me out. No pressure dakota, just lay me what you think.
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